The Day I Lost My Best Leader (And What It Taught Me About EI)

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My VP of Operations, Maria, came to me with a problem. A major client was threatening to leave because of a service failure. She had a solution, but it required us to eat a significant cost and deviate from our standard process.

I didn't yell. I didn't curse. I just went cold. I laid out, point by point, why her approach was financially reckless, operationally unsound, and strategically shortsighted. I was logical. Precise. Unemotional. And completely, devastatingly right.

She left my office in tears. Two weeks later, she left the company.

I told myself she couldn't handle tough feedback. I told myself this was business, not therapy. I told myself that good leaders make hard decisions based on facts, not feelings.

But here's the truth I had to face: I wasn't leading. I was weaponizing my intelligence to avoid my own discomfort. And in the process, I lost one of the most talented leaders I've ever worked with, not because she couldn't do the job, but because I couldn't manage my own emotions.

🥖 Opening Bite

Research from TalentSmart reveals that emotional intelligence accounts for 58% of job performance across all job types, and that 90% of top performers are high in emotional intelligence. But here's what's even more striking: in 2025, studies show that employees are 4.5 times more likely to stay with leaders who demonstrate high EI, and that 70% of employee engagement is directly attributable to their manager's emotional capabilities.

Daniel Goleman, who popularized the concept of EI in leadership, identified five core dimensions: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. But knowing these dimensions and actually living them are two entirely different things.

In today's hybrid work environment, where 70% of employees expect empathy from their leaders but only 50% experience it, emotional intelligence has moved from "nice to have" to mission-critical. It's not about being soft. It's about being effective.

🔥 From the Kitchen

After Maria left, I did what most leaders do: I hired a replacement. But something kept nagging at me. Her exit interview mentioned "lack of psychological safety" and feeling "emotionally dismissed." Other team members started becoming more cautious around me. Meetings got quieter. Innovation slowed.

A trusted colleague finally pulled me aside: "Robert, you're brilliant. But you lead like a machine. People can't bring their full selves to work because they're too busy managing your reactions."

That hit like a freight train. I had prided myself on being data-driven, logical, and results-focused. What I hadn't realized was that I was using those things as armor against feeling anything, especially discomfort, fear, or uncertainty. And that armor was crushing the very people I was supposed to be developing.

🍽️ The Recipe: The 5 Dimensions of Emotional Intelligence

1. SELF-AWARENESS (Knowing What You're Actually Feeling)

Self-awareness is the foundation of everything else. It's not just recognizing that you're angry or stressed, it's understanding why you feel that way, what triggers those emotions, and how they're influencing your behavior in real-time.

I realized I had almost zero emotional self-awareness. When I felt threatened by problems I couldn't immediately solve, I got cold and analytical. When I felt fear about financial risk, I became rigid and controlling. I wasn't aware of these patterns, I just thought I was "being professional."

I started a daily practice that changed everything: emotional journaling. Not "what happened today" journaling, but "what did I feel today and why?" Three questions every evening: What emotion did I experience most strongly today? What triggered it? How did I respond, and what was the impact?

Within weeks, I started noticing patterns. My harshness with Maria wasn't about her idea, it was about my fear of losing control in an uncertain situation. Once I could name that, I could manage it.

2. SELF-REGULATION (Managing Your Emotions, Not Suppressing Them)

Self-regulation isn't about not feeling emotions. It's about feeling them fully and choosing how to respond rather than just reacting. Leaders with strong self-regulation can stay composed under pressure, not because they don't feel stress, but because they can metabolize it without spreading it.

I learned the "STOP" technique that literally saved my leadership:

• Stop what you're doing.

• Take a breath.

• Observe what you're feeling.

• Proceed with intention. It sounds simple, but it's transformative.

Before that meeting with Maria, I was already feeling anxious about quarterly results. When she came with a problem that threatened those results, I went into fight mode instantly. If I had stopped for 30 seconds, taken three breaths, and observed my anxiety, I could have responded differently: "I'm feeling worried about the financial impact. Let's think through this together."

Self-regulation also means developing healthy outlets for stress, exercise, mindfulness, talking with a coach or trusted peer. The energy has to go somewhere. The question is whether you release it intentionally or spray it on your team.

3. MOTIVATION (The Drive That Comes from Within)

Emotionally intelligent leaders are driven by intrinsic motivation, passion for the work itself, commitment to growth, optimism in the face of challenges. This isn't about rah-rah positivity. It's about maintaining forward momentum even when things are hard.

After Maria left, I had to reconnect with why I actually do this work. Not for the title. Not for the comp. But because I genuinely believe that great leadership transforms people's lives. When I reconnected with that purpose, everything shifted.

Motivated leaders inspire their teams not through pep talks, but through their own genuine commitment and resilience. They frame failures as learning. They celebrate progress. They maintain hope without denying reality.

I started sharing more of my own journey with my team, the struggles, the failures, the things I was working on. Not to overshare, but to model that growth is possible and that setbacks don't define us. The team's energy changed almost immediately.

4. EMPATHY (Understanding the Emotional Reality of Others)

Empathy is not sympathy. It's not agreeing with everyone or making everyone comfortable. It's the ability to accurately understand what someone else is experiencing and to let that inform how you lead them.

With Maria, I completely failed at empathy. I saw her proposal as a business problem to be solved. I didn't consider what she was experiencing: the pressure from the client, the fear of losing the relationship, the courage it took to come to me with a non-standard solution.

Developing empathy requires active perspective-taking. Before important conversations, I now ask myself: "What might this person be feeling? What pressures are they under? What do they need from me right now?" Not to manipulate, but to truly understand.

I also practice what researchers call "affect labeling", naming what I observe in others. "It seems like you're frustrated about this." "I'm sensing some anxiety about the deadline." When you accurately name someone's emotion, it helps them regulate it, and it shows you're paying attention to them as a whole person, not just a task-completion unit.

5. SOCIAL SKILLS (Building Relationships That Enable Performance)

Social skills in leadership aren't about being likable or charismatic. They're about the ability to communicate clearly, manage conflict constructively, build genuine connections, and inspire cooperation across differences.

After losing Maria, I realized I had transactional relationships with my team, not real ones. I knew their roles. I didn't know their lives. I gave feedback. I didn't ask questions. I communicated direction. I didn't create dialogue.

I started investing differently: genuine one-on-ones where I asked more and told less. Regular check-ins not about project status but about how people were really doing. Transparent communication about challenges and my own uncertainties. Celebrating wins publicly and specifically.

The most powerful shift was learning to manage conflict as connection, not combat. When disagreements arose, instead of "winning" the argument, I started asking: "Help me understand your thinking." "What am I not seeing?" "How can we find a solution that addresses both concerns?"

Social skills also mean building trust through consistency—doing what you say you'll do, admitting when you're wrong, giving credit generously, and holding boundaries with compassion.

🥘 From the Line

Three years after Maria left, I ran into her at a conference. I apologized. Fully. Not "I'm sorry you felt that way," but "I was wrong. I handled that situation poorly, and you deserved better from me as a leader."

She told me something I'll never forget: "You were so smart, Robert. But you led with your head and forgot people have hearts. That's what made it impossible to stay."

Since then, the impact of developing genuine emotional intelligence has been measurable:

• Retention increased by 60% on my team, people stopped leaving

• Innovation accelerated - people felt safe bringing bold ideas and challenging assumptions

• Conflict resolution time decreased dramatically - issues got surfaced and addressed early

• 360 feedback scores on "approachability" and "emotional awareness" went from bottom quartile to top quartile

• Most importantly: People told me they could bring their full selves to work, which unleashed capabilities I didn't even know they had

🍷 Plated

Here's what I learned about emotional intelligence: It's not soft. It's the hardest work you'll do as a leader. It requires looking at yourself honestly, feeling things you'd rather avoid, admitting when you're wrong, and constantly growing.

But it's also the most leveraged work. When you develop your EI, you don't just become a better leader, you enable everyone around you to perform at a higher level. Your emotional regulation creates psychological safety. Your empathy unlocks innovation. Your self-awareness builds trust.

In 2025, with hybrid teams, rapid change, and increasing complexity, emotional intelligence isn't a nice-to-have leadership trait. It's the core capability that separates leaders who inspire from leaders who just manage. And unlike IQ, which is relatively fixed, EI can be developed through intentional practice.

🧂 Season to Taste

This week's practice: Pick one of the five dimensions where you're weakest. Don't try to fix everything. Just focus there. If it's self-awareness, start the daily emotional journal. If it's empathy, practice perspective-taking before meetings. Small, consistent practice compounds into transformational change.

📚 Go Deeper

"Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman - The foundational book that started it all

"Primal Leadership" by Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee - How emotionally intelligent leadership creates resonant organizations

"Permission to Feel" by Marc Brackett - Practical strategies for developing emotional intelligence

🔗 This Week's Newsletters

Monday: The Leadership Table - The 5 dimensions of emotional intelligence every leader must develop

Wednesday: Breaking Bread - The 60-second reset that saves you from emotional reactivity

Friday: The Mindful Leader - The emotion you're avoiding is running your leadership

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