The Team Member I Blamed (Instead of Leading)

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When Blaming Replaces Leading

The project crashed spectacularly. Millions over budget. Three months behind schedule. Stakeholders furious.

I knew exactly who was at fault: Sarah. She'd dropped the ball on critical deliverables. Missed deadlines. Made bad decisions.

In the post-mortem meeting, I was ready to hold her accountable. Then my mentor asked one question that changed everything:

"What's your contribution to this failure?"

I wanted to say "Nothing, this was Sarah's fault." But honesty required a different answer.

Sarah missed deadlines. But I failed to:

• Set clear expectations

• Provide adequate resources

• Catch problems early

• Remove obstacles blocking her

• Verify understanding

Her failure was my leadership failure. That was hard to admit. And absolutely necessary.

🥖 Opening Bite

Jocko Willink's Extreme Ownership principle is deceptively simple: Leaders own everything in their world. No exceptions. No excuses.

When something goes wrong, the leader's first response isn't "Who screwed up?" It's "What did I fail to do?"

This isn't about taking false blame. It's about recognizing that as a leader, you're responsible for outcomes, not just effort.

The Arbinger Institute's research on leadership and self-deception reveals that most leaders are blind to their own contribution to problems. They see others' failures clearly while viewing their own role through a justifying lens.

In food operations, where margins are thin and execution is everything, blame cultures create fear and hiding. Ownership cultures create accountability and improvement. The difference shows up immediately in performance and retention.

🔥 From the Kitchen

After the project failure, I had to face uncomfortable questions about my leadership pattern.

When things went well, I took credit. When things went wrong, I found someone to blame. That asymmetry revealed my character, or lack thereof.

I was what Willink calls a "bad leader": someone who points fingers down while taking credit up.

After I publicly owned my contribution to the project failure, something remarkable happened: Sarah owned hers. Then the whole team started taking responsibility.

We stopped wasting energy on blame and redirected it toward solutions. The shift from blame culture to ownership culture transformed everything.

🍽️ The Recipe: Extreme Ownership

PRINCIPLE 1: OWN THE OUTCOME, NOT THE EXCUSE

Every time something goes wrong, ask first: "What could I have done differently?"

This question shifts you from blame to learning. From victim to owner. From reactive to proactive.

When you own outcomes, you reclaim power. Blame gives power away—if it's their fault, only they can fix it. Ownership keeps power—if you contributed to the problem, you can contribute to the solution.

PRINCIPLE 2: MAKE IT SAFE FOR OTHERS TO OWN TOO

When leaders own their failures publicly, team members feel safe owning theirs.

After I owned my contribution, Sarah owned hers. She didn't need to defend herself because I wasn't attacking her. I was partnering with her to fix the problem.

That psychological safety turned blame into learning.

PRINCIPLE 3: DISTINGUISH ACCOUNTABILITY FROM BLAME

Accountability = "Let's understand what happened and improve."
Blame = "Let's find who's at fault and punish them."

Accountability is forward-looking. Blame is backward-looking.

Accountable cultures learn fast. Blame cultures hide problems until they become crises.

In food operations, where problems compound quickly, the speed of problem surfacing determines success. Blame cultures slow everything down. Ownership cultures accelerate problem-solving.

PRINCIPLE 4: TRACK YOUR BLAME LANGUAGE

Notice when you use blame language:

• "They didn't..."

• "If only they had..."

• "It's because of..."

Replace with ownership language:

• "I should have..."

• "What I could have done differently..."

• "My contribution was..."

This linguistic shift creates a mental shift. From powerless to powerful. From victim to leader.

PRINCIPLE 5: CREATE PEER ACCOUNTABILITY

The best teams don't wait for leaders to enforce standards. They hold each other accountable.

This only happens when the leader models owning mistakes first. You can't demand accountability you don't demonstrate.

When I started owning my failures publicly, my team started holding each other accountable. Not through blame, but through genuine desire to help each other succeed.

PRINCIPLE 6: THE DAILY OWNERSHIP RESET

At the end of every workday, I ask myself: "What did I blame today that I should have owned?"

I write down one honest answer. Not to beat myself up, to build awareness. You can't change patterns you don't see.

After five days of this practice, patterns became obvious. After five weeks, my default response started changing from blame to ownership.

🥘 From the Line

After adopting Extreme Ownership as a core leadership practice:

• Blame culture transformed into learning culture within 90 days

• Problems surfaced faster because people weren't hiding them

• Accountability became peer-driven instead of top-down

• Performance improved because energy went to fixing issues, not defending positions

• Team trust increased measurably in engagement surveys

• Voluntary turnover decreased by 40%

The transformation wasn't about being nice. It was about being strategic. When you own outcomes, your team follows. When you blame, they hide.

Ownership is contagious. So is blame. You choose which one you model.

🍷 Plated: The Cost of Blame

Every time you blame instead of own, you pay a price:

You surrender your power. When you blame others, you make them responsible for fixing it. If it's their fault, only they can change it. You've made yourself helpless.

You lose trust. People don't respect blamers. They might fear you. They might comply. But they won't trust you. And without trust, you can't lead effectively.

You stop growing. If it's always their fault, you never have to change. Blame creates stagnation. Ownership creates growth.

You create fear. Teams with blame cultures hide mistakes until they become crises. Nobody wants to be the scapegoat, so problems stay buried until they explode.

Organizations don't fail because of mistakes. They fail because mistakes don't get surfaced early enough to fix. Blame prevents surfacing. Ownership enables it.

🧂 Season to Taste

This week, try this: When something goes wrong, before asking "Whose fault is this?" ask "What's my contribution to this problem?"

That question shift transforms blame culture into learning culture. It gives you power back. Because if you contributed to the problem, you can contribute to the solution.

Watch what happens when you own first. Usually, others follow.

📚 Go Deeper

"Extreme Ownership" by Jocko Willink & Leif Babin
How U.S. Navy SEALs lead and win through total accountability.

"The Oz Principle" by Roger Connors & Tom Smith
Getting results through accountability—the framework for ownership cultures.

"Leadership and Self-Deception" by The Arbinger Institute
Getting out of the box—how leaders deceive themselves about their contribution to problems.

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Wednesday: Breaking Bread - Practical, actionable leadership habit

Friday: The Mindful Leader - Weekend reflection for sustainable leadership

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